This week my family was faced with a tragedy. My cousin, Brooks, took his own life. When I first heard the news I was confused on how I should feel. Then I became angry. I was angry that he could leave his 4 kids without a father. His son would never play catch with his father. His daughters would not have their father to give them away. I was unsure if I wanted to go to the funeral. I decided to go for my mother.
Not going to the funeral would have been something I most certainly would have regretted. I was able to understand what happened and why. I always thought people who took their own lives were selfish and hadn't stopped to consider their families or friends. Brooks had. All the pieces of the puzzle were floating around me but I couldn't put them where they belonged. Then, Brooks' mother said, "He thought his family would be better off without him." When I heard that statement, all the pieces came together and I understood. I came to realize that his actions were not in any way selfish.
It was heart breaking to watch his 3 year old son smiling and playing around the grave site, too young to understand. It was heart breaking to look into the faces of his 3 daughters and wonder what pain they must be feeling. I pray they all know that their father loved them so much and did everything in his power to take care of them. I pray that some day all 4 of them will grow to understand what happened to their father.
Not going to the funeral would have been something I most certainly would have regretted. I was able to understand what happened and why. I always thought people who took their own lives were selfish and hadn't stopped to consider their families or friends. Brooks had. All the pieces of the puzzle were floating around me but I couldn't put them where they belonged. Then, Brooks' mother said, "He thought his family would be better off without him." When I heard that statement, all the pieces came together and I understood. I came to realize that his actions were not in any way selfish.
It was heart breaking to watch his 3 year old son smiling and playing around the grave site, too young to understand. It was heart breaking to look into the faces of his 3 daughters and wonder what pain they must be feeling. I pray they all know that their father loved them so much and did everything in his power to take care of them. I pray that some day all 4 of them will grow to understand what happened to their father.
I love ya, Brooksie! I'll never forget that smile!
2 comments:
The feelings surrounding this sort of thing can be so confusing. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.
Agreed, this is a terrible thing to go through. Kudos for you to sticking with it and going to the funeral. I've known people in this situation who *really* thought that others would just be better off without them. Very sad. I'll keep your family in my prayers as well.
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